Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Sometimes winning and losing are synonymous.

I love the complete and total lack of humility of my three year old.  When you say to Thing 1, "You did a great job!",  he responds, "Yeah, I know."  When I tell him, "You are such a smart boy", he says,  "Yeah, I know!".  When I say, "Well, don't you look handsome today", he says, "Yeah, I know."  I think you get the picture.  Occasionally he replaces his standard reply with "Yep!" or "um hm!". 

On the other hand, I have a lovely little habit of beating the crap out of myself.  Constantly, I strive for perfection!  Guess what?  I never succeed in achieving perfection!  So I get the distinct pleasure of going through my day, almost every day, with a sense of failure and dejection.  I'm special.  I know.

The transition from one child to two children was pretty difficult for me.  Luckily, I am a wretched pregnant woman who loathes the entire planet when plump with child.  I feel that being in such a foul mood for the 38 weeks that Thing 2 was incubating better prepared me for the downtown riot that is better known as "multiple children".  At least I had my body back to myself after I gave birth.  Well, it was kind of my body.....

After my c-section the doctor instructed me not to drive for 2 weeks. I see the point of this, but what about hefting that 40 lb infant seat around?  Hello?  Who designed those anvils for new mommies to carry?  Brilliant.  So, Okay~ no driving.  That was fine because there is that whole "adjustment period" when you bring home that little warm sack of skin that is your new baby and you really don't have the energy to go anywhere, but from the rocking chair to your bed.  I am of course referring to the fact that you not only do not really get to "recover" from the surgery where the doctor sliced you in half and pried an angry infant from your body, but you also get the pleasure of not sleeping, a plethora of exciting new malfunctions and...um... interesting manifestations? of your body, and, of course, the undeniable fact that you are in charge of the life of another human as well.  Good thing those hormones are surging through your body or you might be inclined to feel like ass.

Right at the end of my two week wait period I decided that I was going to attempt to venture out into society; just me driving my truck with both of my children loaded up in their 89 point harness systems.  Those of you who know me, or that have read this post, know that launching me onto an unsuspecting public is generally a bad idea.  Thing 1, a two week old Thing 2 and an exhausted, slightly smaller but still puffed up mommy visited the pediatrician. It went well, so I decided to stop for groceries on the way home.  I went to Walmart.  I guess I need to stop insisting that I don't go there. It is just that I hate it there, and bad things happen to me (and my self esteem) when I shop there. Like yesterday when they charged me $85 for a pound of sliced deli turkey.  ??   Anyway, I arrived at noon with my almost 3 year old and 2 week old.  It was lunch time for myself and both kids so it probably wasn't my best idea.  I needed to grab some food for the house and prove to myself that I really could handle two children by myself in a store.  I was nervous about both children, having already made one stop and "pushing it" with the ticking time bomb that is hungry children.

To my great surprise and delight, the trip was actually successful;  no crying infant, no whining toddler!  It was 12:45 as I was waiting in line at the checkout.  Thing 1 stated the inevitable, "Mom, my tummy feels hungry!".   He had been an angel and I told him that I would get him a special snack for being such a good boy.

I feel like I need to preface this next statement with the facts.  Yes, I like to bake and eat cookies.  Other than the occasional baking and eating of cookies (done mostly by me), I provide healthy meals for my family.  A normal lunch for myself and Thing 1 consists of deli turkey with avocado on multigrain bread, an apple, and some carrot sticks or red pepper slices with water to drink.  I generally don't buy junk food, therefore my family generally doesn't eat junk food.

I had apples in the cart, which are Thing 1's favorite, but since they had not been washed, I wasn't keen on feeding him one.  I didn't want to give him sugar so I told him that he could have a small bag of potato chips.  He quietly (and hungrily) ate the chips as I was paying the cashier.  He was so cute that both the cashier and the plump man in line behind us kept smiling at my good boy.  I felt, dare I say it?, SUCCESSFUL.  Two quiet, happy children and groceries purchased!

I was proud of my kids and myself.

I was in the parking lot, struggling with my post surgery weakness, trying to heft both kids (damn car seats) into the dinky backseat in my truck and the load 800 pounds of purchases.  I saw the plump man that had been in line behind me walking over to my truck.  I actually thought that he might recognize the fact that I accomplished something grand with my perfectly mannered children and was coming over to congratulate me. I envisioned him as a kind man who might help me,seeing that I had a brand new baby, load things into my truck.  I am such a fool.  Instead he strode up to me to judge and solicit (Note: not a good combination).  He said, "I noticed your son eating those chips and I thought that you might be interested in my product."  Then he handed me a business card and a flier about children's vitamins.  I was so stunned that I didn't even have a chance to give him the deserved response of "Fuck you very much."  Did I mention that this dude was chubby?  To top it off, he didn't even offer to load the heavy container of water into the truck.  Was this guy serious???

So home I drove, with my perfect children, from my successful first outing with both of them, feeling more than a little deflated from the douche canoe in the parking lot. 

I beg of you, please do not judge mothers.  Instead, do unto mothers as you would have them do unto you.  And if you see a lady with a new baby (as long as you don't look like a creeper), for the love of God, HELP HER.  And throw her a compliment while you're at it- I guarantee that she needs it.

Because I am feeling uncharacteristically like an optimist today, (I have been up since 3 am, but I had time to eat, exercise and SHOWER- wow) I want to say how having a tiny backseat in my vehicle does has its good points.


Can you even handle this much cuteness?


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