Thursday, December 9, 2010

I Use Bad Grammar.

I apologize to all of you who are smarter/care more than me I me I. 

I use bad grammar.  I try not to, but it just slips out.  It slips out of my mouth... and my typing. 

I inadvertently drop the "g" on the end of  words like "sweeping", "hollering", and "screaming".  ie, I'm sweepin' up all this fucking dog hair AGAIN, while Thing 1 is hollerin' something about his train table and Thing 2 is screamin', just because he can.

I sometimes say "crick" when I am speaking about a creek.  I also say crick when I am talking about my neck.

When someone asks, "How are you?", I often answer, "I'm good."  Ahm Guuuuuuuuuud.   *Banjos banjos* I hear myself and I cringe a little.
What is worse is the fact that I cringe more when I say, "I'm well."   I might as well just say, "I'm a pretentious snob and I am irritated that I am even responding to your silly little question regarding my welfare.  Now scram, you insignificant little speck ." 
Since neither option suits me, I discovered a new reply.  When presented with "How are you?", I will now either cross my eyes smile like a crazy lady or lick glass.  Either way, it will be a more accurate response than "well" or "good".

I display a criminal misuse of punctuation.  Sometimes I loves commas, so that I can make long run on sentences, and say all the crap that has been building up pressure in my brain, which is so full it feels like it might burst.  Sometimes I just ramble on and on without ever taking a breath and the comma just gets left in the ditch along with that old couch and the box from a twelve pack and the condom wrapper.

I honestly really can't remember when to use the colon or the semi-colon.  So instead of taking 3 minutes to Google it so that I don't appear to be a moron, I just fuckin' mix it up for my own personal pleasure.  Something about lists....  I really don't care and I've already talked about it longer than I wanted to.

I end sentences in prepositions.  Sometimes it is just the way I talk and I choose to sound relaxed and conversational, rather than stuffy and accurate.

I still double space after a sentence.  I just can't make it stop!

I was raised on a farm/horse ranch, in a community where half of the people speak with a southern accent and the other half does not.  It still baffles me.  Although I do not speak with a southern accent, I can talk hillbilly real good.

I use made up words because it makes me happy.  Redonk, prosh, redickerous, redonkulous.... blah blah blah.  I also overuse the words creepy, unstable, doorknob and ass.

So if any of you would like to be my personal editor, please contact me.  The job pays like ass and the hours are often completely unreasonable (I wrote yesterdays post at 4:54 am).  I am a pain in the ass to work with because I am an unstable creepy butthole who likes to tell people that they are doorknobs.  But my children are prosh, unless, of course, they are acting like me.



See?  I am not the only creepy butthole in town.
Okay, he doesn't actually live in my town.
At least, I hope he doesn't...


3 comments:

  1. And now, a joke.
    Me: Knock Knock
    You: Who's There?
    Me: To
    You: To who?
    Me: To whom.

    ReplyDelete
  2. ... I read that earlier today and literally LOLed. I deemed it appropriate for this particular blog posting.
    PS - I apologize for the double comment. I'm still learning blog etiquette... blog-iquette?

    ReplyDelete
  3. Etiquette schmetiquette. I have somehow managed to sign in twice on the blogs of two of my friends. ??? IDK. It seems like both of my personalities follow their blogs.

    ReplyDelete