Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Clean My House. Please.

I am a fairly clean person.  I (attempt to) shower daily.  I  really like to keep my house neat and tidy, but with three pets, a husband and childrens' toys in the house, that is a near impossible feat.  My husband actually calls me an OCD cleaner, but he is someone who leaves his dirty socks in the middle of the living room and didn't clean the black ring out of the bathtub out of a rental house he once lived in because "it was that way when I moved in"  (yep), so I think that cancels out any opinions he has on the subject. I do sweep daily, disinfect the bathrooms a minimum of once a week and do my best to keep my kitchen counters free of clutter and wiped clean.  A while back, I got a rare but wonderful burst of energy and decided to perform a more thorough sanitation of the counters. I set about the task of removing the items that have a permanent residence on top of the counters to clean beneath them.  What I found was so frightening that I am still ashamed of myself.  There was a pear.... well, it used to be a pear... that had fallen behind the fruit basket.  I'll just say that there were many , many living organisms that were thrilled at my poor housekeeping and we'll leave the rest to your imagination.  Let's be honest. How many of us have found food rotting in our kitchens? To be clear, I really don't want to hear from those of you who answer "never".

Not long ago I, yet again, had the distinct pleasure of finding two different items starting to compost in my kitchen.

The first was in my refrigerator. The pathetic part of my story is that the fridge had been producing a foul odor for some time.  We had all been fighting head colds and honestly I just didn't have the stamina for a major fridge cleanse.  I was barely scraping by with meal prep (frozen pizza anyone?) and every time I was required to open the door of the fridge I would hold my breath and do the task at hand very, very quickly.

My very good friend came over soon after and noticed that I was drooling on myself from the exhaustion of caring for two sick Things, while being ill myself.  She poured me some "medicine" from the box I keep in my pantry and set out to the task of cleaning out my stanky ass refrigerator for me.  Then she did something that my husband is incapable of- she did not just set the items in their containers in the sink for me to deal with later- she actually DISPOSED of all the foul items and loaded the dishwasher.  God, I love her.  She is obviously a true friend- the kind that will help you move or drive you to the airport... or tell you that you look like shit and clean your stinky house for you.

Even after the fridge cleanse, I kept catching an offensive odor when I passed through my kitchen.  Upon further investigation I discovered some oranges that were morphing into penicillin.  In my defense, I was overloaded with fruit because Thing 1 and I had picked a bunch of apples off the tree in our yard.  We had piles upon piles of fruit in bowls and baskets.  I should have wrapped them in newspaper and put them in a cool closet (like my mom would do) but instead I plan to systematically let them all rot on the counter so that I can play a daily game of "find the source of the stench".

This is all coming from a woman who is sitting here typing this is a shirt soaked in baby puke.  It was a lot of effort getting dressed once today.  This will have to do. 

.....Actually, I smell really bad.  I think I'll go find something clean to wear.

Thing 1 sitting under the apple tree in October- eating apples.

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