Thursday, December 23, 2010

Can I Just Move? Please?

Do you ever look around at the disaster area that was once your lovely, tidy home and think "I would rather move than begin to clean this mess?"  Welcome to my life.  I could spend two entire days alone~ picking up, scrubbing down and cleaning every surface; and as soon as the pets, children and husband came home all my hard work would be undone in 2.8 seconds.

Here is where I would like to tell you that I actually do like things (i.e. my house) clean, organized and uncluttered.

This is what my house looks like today.

I think the crap on the Black Dog's back is really the
"cherry on top"of this fabulous treat, that is my home.

As I look around, I see that every surface in my house is full of shit.  Some of the shit is actually stuff (toys, receipts, dishes, etc.) and some of the shit is actually shit (like the dog hair from the Black Dog, who frequently rolls in shit, and the discarded underpants of Thing 1, who was... too busy? to use the potty).  I still need to bake cookies, write and send my Christmas cards (hello?  It is the 23rd), wrap a few gifts, plan my Christmas Eve dinner, hold Thing 2 because he has decided to scream today if I set him down and put Thing 1 in time out 18 more times today.  Forget preparing meals, doing laundry, any exercise, sleep and eating.  Obviously personal grooming is out of the question. 

So, do I feel like cleaning the house?  No, I'd rather hire five big men to walk into my house in HazMat Suits and begin tossing everything into boxes.  Then they load all the boxes, the furniture, the dogs, the cat, the Things and my husband up into their giant truck and drive it all to a new location.  The men deposit everything and then go next door, where they deliver fresh new boxes full of new things- nice a sleek modern living room set from Restoration Hardware, and charming, non-fluorescent, wooden toys that don't make ANY FUCKING NOISE, therefore requiring no batteries, 50 bottles of vintage wine, a case of Chock Full o' Nuts coffee, a shiny clean refrigerator full of delicious food, 600 thread count sheets and fluffy white towels that aren't frayed on the edge.  Then they set all these lovely new things in a brand new house that is clean and freshly painted; and it doesn't have dog claw marks on the doors and skid marks in the toilet. This is MY HOUSE.  I can easily saunter next door, day or night, to give my family love and attention.  Then every night I return to my quiet. clean, stylish pad where I sleep until 10 am and actually get to drink my morning coffee in silence

I think I really embody the Christmas Spirit this year.

Well, that was a lovely fantasy.  I guess I had better get up because Thing 1 is mauling Thing 2, who just puked on the carpet and has dog hair plastered on his face.  Since I don't get to move, I also had better start cleaning up this mess that is my home..... blah.  I wouldn't want Santa to see it like this.  How embarrassing.

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