Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Thanks,Tape,Turkeys and raised middle fingers.

I would like to give thanks for three of my best friends~ red wine, coffee and chocolate.  Mommy likes her antioxidants.  Bogel Merlot, Chock Full O' Nuts coffee, and Dove Dark Chocolate are my specific preferences.  I would now like to share a little treasure that I wrote about a year ago that was inspired by my fixation with Dove Dark Chocolate.  To all my facebook friends who have already read this, I apologize for repeating myself.  Repeating myself is a horrible habit that I picked up after birthing children. Repeating myself is a horrible habit that I picked up after birthing children.

Side note: I was pregnant (thus in a rancid mood) when I composed this little gem.
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FU Dove "Inspirational" Messages

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

So there I am, standing in my kitchen contributing to my family's' sugar intake by mixing up banana bread. I open the pantry to get my BIG mixing bowl (I am making a double batch- duh) and find an errant Dove Dark Chocolate with Almonds laying in the bowl. It is clearly lost and needed a home so I quickly unwrapped in and popped it into my mouth. As I was revelling in the creamy, chocolaty, nutty goodness I read the inspirational message inside the wrapper. "Live like you are wearing your skinny jeans". WTF? Are the Dove marketing people SERIOUS? If I was wearing my skinny jeans I wouldn't be eating a fucking chocolate! The only people that live like they are wearing their skinny jeans are the people ACTUALLY wearing their skinny jeans. Let us take a quick look at who it is that eats Dove chocolate; PMSing women (most likely NOT wearing anything skinny), Someone cheating on a diet (just reminding them of skinny britches is likely to piss them off), Pregnant women (at least a year away from fitting into anything described as skinny), and someone not exercising at the moment (let's face it, sweaty people don't want chocolate). All of the reasons above make this little statement way beyond a bad idea. I can see why this chocolate was all alone. All the other chocolates thought it was socially retarded and kicked it's ass out of the bag.

What is a girl to do at this point? I mean, I have just been degraded by a chocolate. Clearly I have only one option. So as I am unwrapping the second chocolate , I am willing the message to be truly inspirational. "Never let others' opinions change the way you feel about yourself". Seriously- why don't you just say "People think you are gross but you should try and look past that". Something has to change here. I propose truly inspirational messages such as: "You are an undiscovered supermodel", "The only reason that bitch hates you is because her boyfriend was checking out your ass- which is FINE", "Your ex that cheated on you got herpes from that slut", "You are a fucking genius ", "The company that fired you went bankrupt", and "You are a sexual dynamo and the subject of many fantasies". Seriously- that wasn't even hard.

I hope that no one else falls prey to Dove's passive aggressive messages, but if you do, just remember "fear no one but the bitch who doesn't eat chocolate, because she is probably in a really foul mood". Cheers!

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As I promised yesterday, I will also mention turkey today. I never break my promises.  Well, except to that first husband in my "starter marriage".  He was as useful as a screen door on a submarine and committed his life to being an asshat though, so I don't count that as, well, anything.  

I want to preface this with I WAS NOT AN ELEMENTARY EDUCATION MAJOR IN COLLEGE.  Whew!  I'm glad I cleared up the confusion. 

Thing 1 and I had "craft time" (Thing 2's nap time) at our house, where we made a Turkey. See how reliable I am???? I promised you turkey and viola!  I also promise that I never end sentences in a preposition.  Look what I am made of!  Anyway, we had an unbelievable time.  Isn't that what you say when you are trying to be nice? Or is it incredible?

These are the items that we used....
Thing 1 painted on the paper and cut on the lines that I drew for him. Kind of.... 

I am pleased to announce that all of our digits are still intact!  Success!

Check out his stellar cutting form!
 We then tried glue, which didn't hold.  Next we tried the stapler, which didn't open up properly.  From there we attempted to use scotch tape, which failed.  So we ended up using masking tape.  Apparently, we are a heavy duty tape family.  Like the other day, when I discovered that I was actually married to MacGyver.  I strolled over to Thing 1's tricycle and found the following incriminating evidence....





This clearly made me suspicious so I plodded over to my "husband", aka MacGyver, where he was cleaning our living room rug in the yard.  What I discovered next removed any doubt that may have been lingering in my mind.


Yes, this is how we "wash" our living room rug.  Why do you ask?  We clearly are the upper crust of Ft. Collins.



Let me enlarge the proof.

Yep. I married MacGyver.
Sorry about the distraction.  Back to the turkey.  As I taped, Thing 1 sprinted around me, covered in paint, whining about his scissors, which I had removed from his careless little hand for fear of him cutting more than paper.  I threatened Time Out while he proceeded to produce fake crying and touched every surface in the house (still with paint on his hands).  After three near-meltdown situations (I pulled it together each time) we finished our Thanksgiving Turkey.


Tah Daah!!!! 

I don't think that now is a good time to tell you that I majored in Art.  It is indeed a mystery why I worked for 10 years in retail.

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