Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Silence.... whaaaaat? Whhhyyyyyyy?

You know how you can be completely zoning out and then something snaps you back to reality? For me it usually involves the feeling of something wet.  Like when a baby pukes down your shirt or you drool on yourself.

Yesterday, as I was gazing out of the kitchen window, challenging that "myth" of snow blindness, I realized that there was something unnatural happening in my home.  It was completely silent.  I am not exaggerating.   There was NO freaking noise.  No Thing 2 screaming, no Red Dog making monkey sounds, no Thing 1 demanding juice and yelling Shhh! at me, no Black Dog barking, no TV, no radio, and no Smelly Cat yowling.  It was so weird that I briefly thought I had been transported to an episode of The Twilight Zone.  Either that or I had suddenly and inexplicably lost my hearing because BOTH children were AWAKE. Whhhhhhyyyyy was this happening?  I didn't trust it so I investigated the situation.

What I am about to share with you may make me an actual undiscovered genius.  I think I unveiled the magic formula....
x=silence, a=Thing 1, b=Thing 2, c=Mommy
a+dvd(with headphones)+b+plug+c+hiding in the closet=x!

Okay, so I wasn't hiding in the closet, but the Things couldn't see me.  I could see them... but they didn't know where mommy was, therefore, they were not making demands on me.  Viola!  Magic. NO NOISE!  If angel wings made a sound, what I heard was what they would sound like....  absofuckinglutely nothing!!!!

The crap part of this whole twinkling moment in time was that I didn't even realize why I was so relaxed as to be gazing outside at the snow, pondering the theory of snow blindness.  I pray constantly to feel peace but when I finally do, I almost completely ignore it. You see, when I get rare snippets of heaven I make sure to completely miss the well intended moment by allowing my eyes to float comfortably together in a crossed fashion while breathing through my mouth.  Once again, God throws up his hands at me and wonders, "Why bother? This one is drooling on herself again."

Stare at this picture for 5 minutes and you will develop snow blindness.
 Just kidding.


  1. Last time MY kids were silent, I found out it was because Tessie had figured out how to get the salt grinder apart. (It's like a pepper grinder, but for salt crystals.) She was very excited about assembling and disassembling her new toy, attempting to swallow the smaller screwy bits, and spreading salt across my floor...