Thursday, November 18, 2010

New jeans, same crappy attitude.

I love the way my husband can always justify himself.  He can take any negative and turn it into a positive.  I hate that shit.  Just let me wallow in my pessimism and take your sunshine sales to someone else's door.  It is one of his many maddening skills that will ensure my future with ill-applied lipstick on my face, rollers in my hair, crazy eyes and a ceramic cat collection.

As most women who have recently given birth tend to do- I have been losing weight lately.  Yay.  I should be super excited about this fact.  Although I am happy to be wearing my "normal" clothes, I don't really look all that fantastic in them anymore.  Also my "normal" clothes are all fairly out of style, considering that I haven't shopped for anything new in over a year. The sad reality is that I look like some sort of misshapen tube of toothpaste. One that the user haphazardly squeezed the contents from and discarded on a dirty sink (complete with many strands of my lost hair).

I may have pathetic clothing, but I am a Pisces, and I do take my shoes very seriously.  Especially boots.  I loves me some boots.  I have subscribed to one trend and have been seen wearing  "skinny" jeans with my tall boots.  The problem is that I wore the skinny jeans during my pregnancy, so on my new deflated figure, the jeans hang like they do on your local plumber.  Looking like you are carrying a loaf of bread in the ass of your pants is not attractive. I gifted the jeans to a curvier friend and scraped together $20 for a new pair of "skinny" jeans.  Just last Thursday, I agonized over them in the store.  I thought that they looked okay and even had the salesgirl rate them.  She liked them, so they came home with me.

I wore my jeans today for the first time.  Dark denim with my tall black buckle boots.  No red sweater this time.  I walked around all day feeling ...just okay.  Definitely not as great as I should have felt in a brand spanking new pair of jeans.  Tonight I had this conversation with my husband about my "situation".

Me, "Do these jeans look big?"

Husband (actually looks) replies flatly, "Yes."
Then he is surprised, "Oh!  Are those your new ones?"

Me, distressed "Yes!  I thought that they felt big when I put them on this morning!"

Husband, matter of fact, "You are losing weight."

Me, matter of fact, "Yeah, I lost 3 pounds."

Husband, suddenly hideously gleeful, "See!  Stress IS a great weight loss program!"

So here is my question, am I now supposed to thank him for the stress?  Or do I demand another $20 and buy a carton of ice cream and 4 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies?  You tell me.

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