Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Little things that make you laugh...or cry.

If you ever have a hearty (or catty) laugh around a friend of mine, he warns, "Remember!  What makes you laugh, makes you cry!"

Oh, I wish that statement wasn't so true.

Let me give you a few examples:

Yesterday I received an email from my sister regarding my post about  Smelly Cat where I was exaggerating about the ludicrous cost of his food.  This was her email:

It cost $376 per bag for cat food?  What the???

I love you sissy. 

She knows that my husband and I are on a tight budget which does not allow spending $376 on a bag of dry food for our free (from Craig's List) "barn cat".  I appreciate the concern but I was using that figure because it oddly makes me feel happy. Let me just tell you that this is not the first time that I have exaggerated for comedy.  There are the 376 times that I have said that I feel like I am 176 years old.  I am not actually 176 years old, I was born in 1975 so you do the math.  My husband and I did, however, care for some "antique" ponies that belong to my family.  Peanut and Little Joe were their names, or as Thing 1 called them "Meamut and Joe".  Although their actual ages were unknown, we figured that they were each around 40 years old.  In people years that equals approximately 176 years old.  Funny right?  Well, don't get too carried away with glee.  Joe passed away and left his best friend Peanut all alone.  Do you feel like crying now?  I do.  Even though he was a grumpy little fucker who hated men and was hard to catch, I loved him.  Maybe for those reasons alone.  Rest in Peace little buddy.

Little Joe after my sis and I had to shave him to remove his winter coat.  He looked like a yak before we did it- I assure you this is better.  Peanut is chillin' in the background.

Best Friends Forever
  I'm sorry.  I am seriously done with that sappy stuff.  The next one only made me cry.  I am pretty sure you will laugh.

Monday I pulled on my cute fitted orange tee-shirt.  I like the color and it covers the once trim area that was formerly known as my waist.  Considering the fact that I was wearing no makeup, sweatpants and my Emu boots, I was feeling pretty decent because the tee actually fit properly and I had consumed my daily dose of caffeine.  Apparently Thing 1 liked the shirt too because he "complimented" me like so... "Mommy, you look like a pumpkin!"  Just what every woman who gave birth 6 months ago wants to hear.  Thanks little buddy.

Oh, and I look like a pumpkin?  Look at that ridiculous fucking gourd that you are bouncing on, my dear darling child! I have never seen a pony that orange OR with an ass that misshapen!  Ha Ha!  That will teach you to mess with mommy.

 Honestly, pretty much everything about parenthood has the potential to make you laugh and cry simultaneously.  Sometimes I wonder if someone is going to put me in a straight jacket and drag me off to a padded cell.  That actually doesn't sound all that horrible to me... Oh, I got distracted. Anyway, Thing 1 pushes my buttons on a daily basis lately.  It is like he keeps a little checklist.
  • Demand juice when mommy is nursing my brother.
  • Watch Dora until Mommy realizes that I have been speaking in Spanish to her for the past 15 minutes.
  • Run outside when she is changing my brother's diaper.
  • When mommy asks "Do you understand?" ALWAYS answer "Huh?" (just like Daddy)
  • Eat 6 apples off the tree in the yard right before dinner, then refuse the food mommy spent an hour preparing.
  • Talk about poop and butts incessantly, but never ever use the potty.
  • When mommy says "Do not touch!" make sure she sees me slowly and deliberately put pointer finger  on whatever it is I am not supposed to touch.
  • Tell mommy, "You are not a mean mommy."
  • Tell mommy "I love you!" and give her a big hug and kiss.
  • Wake up at 5:15 am and repeat.
I wish that I was making this shit up, people.

I also know that both of my offspring possess the ability to go from hysterical laughter to blood curdling screaming in a split second.  That is normal, right?


  1. Just wait unitl he plays with the formerly trim waist and says "i love to squish your fat" :D

  2. Watching my firstborn's emotional state, I realized that extreme happy excitement and extreme distress are not opposites. The opposite of either is quiet calmness. (Which I think I saw once, for about 5 minutes.) Happy excitement and extreme distress are RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER on the emotional scale.