Tuesday, November 9, 2010

It's All In Your Gait.

People ask me all the time, "How do you come up with all these great ideas to write about?".  Okay, no one asks me that and I only have about nine people reading my blog.  Anyway, as I was showering I started thinking about trotters (see below) and they inspired today's post. As a Type A person, I am quite fond of labeling, categorizing and stereotyping.  Charming, I know. Today I have prepared a short list of people defined by their gait.

The Trotters
There was a group of girly girls in college that my friend and I labeled "The Trotters".  When I am late/crossing a busy street/in a hurry I stride out with big pavement eating steps.  Sometimes I even *gasp* JOG.  These women apparently did not possess this capability.  If they were trying to get somewhere with speed, they picked up their little prancing chihuahua pace into a tip-toed trot.  It annoyed the SHIT out of me.  I don't know what my deal is, but I am not a fan of women who make themselves appear weak (like targets).  It was all I could do to contain the urge to stomp up behind them in my pseudo Doc Martins and push them down.  Then, of course, I would pull them up to their tiny hooves and show them how to appear scary and manly.  I know what you are thinking... "Wow, Johi is so super helpful and that would be such a public service."  ...or not.    Don't call the bully police yet, I never actually did that, nor did I say anything to them, I just really really wanted to.  Never fear, Karma appeared and a Trotter (Thing 1) was born to me. And I find it precious, but only because he is 3 people, not 23. So I beg of you, unless you are an adorable pony or a fox terrier,  please, please do not trot in my presence.  I am currently extremely low on sleep and cannot be held accountable for my actions.

Acceptable trotter.

The Caveman
This gait is easily recognizable by the chronic bent knees, ass out, head forward body position.  If anyone is following Dancing with the Stars this season, The Caveman is demonstrated every Monday by the very handsome Kurt Warner.  My husband is also guilty of this one.  He tells me that his walk is from all of the time he spends at Home Depot, looking for the right product.  In light of this discovery I have graciously dual titled The Caveman as The Home Depot Shopper.

The Ask Me if I Care
This humanoid is commonly seen multitasking by smacking a wad of gum and making a toilet plunger sound with their flip flops.  They are often looking vaguely bored or annoyed and are most definitely ignoring you.  They are much too cool preoccupied to actually pick their feet up off the ground to take a step so they instead shuffle their inappropriately clad feet (flip flops in three feet of snow) like a 90 year old woman while suggestively waggling their hips.  The head is often tilted towards one shoulder like they have an earring stuck in their sweater.  These rare and elusive creatures are often spotted at the mall or sleeping until 2 pm.

The Daydreamer
Enter any supermarket and you will find hoards of these.  I try REALLY hard not to mow them down with my shopping cart.  Although, I am certain that we are all guilty of this at some point in time, this is another gait of which I am not super fond.  This person lollygags around with their head in the clouds.  They seem to be searching for Unicorns or pondering the meaning of life.  I spent about 25 years in a tourist town and I can safely say that almost everyone on vacation falls into this category.  Just give them a caramel apple to eat and a cowboy hat to wear with their shorts (hot look) and it is certain they achieve the mobile status of "The Daydreamer". 

The Steamroller
The possessor of gait is probably (most assuredly) annoying to others as well.  When they go, they sink their weight into their hips and thighs, square their shoulders and move with great purpose and unnecessary force. This is me. Surprise! I was once walking out of a public restroom and accidentally ran into a woman who was quite a bit larger than me.  I sent her flying like she had walked into a charging buffalo. Stay out of The Steamroller's way at the grocery store.

The Confetti Explosion
BLAMMO!  Hey!  LET'S GO! I have a very good friend who falls into this category.  I spent a whole winter working out with her.  It was the thinnest I have been in my entire adult life.  This person sweeps through any space like the Tasmanian Devil, leaving people windblown in their wake.  They have metaphorical balloons and streamers attached to their limbs and every day is like their personal Loud and Proud Parade.  They are filled with excitement! They either have a great capacity to energize people, or to make them feel like hiding in a corner with a bottle of vodka and a straw.  I personally like these people.  They are certain not to be mugged (because they would confuse and frustrate anyone trying to stop them) and they don't judge you if you are a Steamroller.  The Confetti Explosion is also known as The Spaz.


  1. Hahaha the Confetti Explosion is so perfect! Let me take a wild guess and say you were referring to my mother here? :)

  2. I don't name names but think whatever you like! :)