Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Fer Reals.

 I have a girlfriend who used to say "Fer Reals!", to which I would reply "Cerealy, not fer fakes?". 

As I was laying awake in bed for one hour after my precious little baby (I should have named him Karma) woke me up at 3 am, I realized that my "About Me" column wasn't very truthful.  Since I wasn't going to get back to sleep I decided to clear the air on some very important issues. 

I stated that I was raised on corn and pork.  Not really, that is just what you say when you are from a state full of cornfields and hog confinements.  I actually ate venison and this weird fake butter that my mom used to buy.  It was seriously like spreading a cross between rubber and Styrofoam on toast.  What was worse is that it was also salt free.  Yummy.  I highly recommend it.  On second thought, the venison that I ate did consume corn prior to me consuming it, so...... I guess in a roundabout way, I really am cornfed.  As for pork, I prefer the original white meat.  Get on my plate you dirty little yard birds! Except for bacon.  Bacon is out of this world wonderful.  And turkey has no business posing as bacon.  Only the original salted fat of a pig really qualifies.  ...and this is how you talk if you want your listener to feel crazy.

I would now like to share with you that I am drinking a tea made by Earth Mama Angel Baby in my husband's John Wayne mug. Not a lot can please me at 5 am, but this truly makes me happy.  The mug has John Wayne's profile, says "American Legend" and has a manly quote about courage.  The tea is called Monthly Comfort and has a picture of a naked lady wearing wings on the box.  Heh heh.  What is wrong with me?  I can't wait to serve him his coffee in the same mug.  He will never know that I emasculated The Duke only hours earlier!  Buahahahahaha. 

Anyhoo, I would also like to clarify that I do like MOST animals.  However, there are a few exceptions.  I am not a big fan of yard birds (geese in particular, they move their necks like a snake), rats (their tails have no hair, NO HAIR PEOPLE), my neighbor's mutant intact 100 pound German Shepard who enters my yard and attacks my 35 pound red dog, and snakes.  They have no legs and they move.  Need I say more?  Are reptiles really considered to be an animal anyway?  Yeah, I really don't care either.
Red Dog

Now, as for the pecking at shiny things, I really do imagine that I have a beak with which to perform this task.  Although this does invalidate my fear of yard birds, I imagine that I have a chicken beak.  Alas, since I don't have a beak, I can feel satisfied by making my hand into the shape of a beak and commencing with the pecking action.  If you are having coffee with me and you see my glassy eyed stare in the direction of your necklace and I start systematically tearing up small pieces of napkin, grab your purse and run.  Oh, and I did finally hold a chicken this year.  I think I am getting better.  Get on my plate, chicken! 

I really do remember the past incorrectly.  Don't we all?

Lastly, my favorite, is the glass licking.  I have actually never licked glass.  I do however have a most favorite go-to memory of one of my very best friends licking glass.  Said friend came into the retail store where I worked and we were chatting about life.  I asked this friend how they had been and they averted their gaze, sighed and solemnly replied "I'm great." Then they leaned over and licked a jewelry display case.  It makes the joy bubble up inside of my every time I think about it.  Said friend also is a genius with the camera and made me pose for this picture.

And this is proof that I should not be awake this early in the morning.


  1. Earth Mama Angle Baby tea, huh? Is Earth Mama the brand? Whole Foods? I am looking for a new tea and have bought several boxes and not very happy thus far. Need a suggestion!

    Loving your blog, btw. Funny stuff lady.

  2. That is the brand. I think I picked it up at Sprouts. ?? I like it. I am a big Ginger tea drinker normally. :)
    Thanks- I am happy to entertain you!