Friday, November 5, 2010

Exercise.....or Cookies?

*Disclaimer:  Content is not Politically Correct. No offense meant to Fraternity Brothas or Groupies.  If you are easily offended please exit my blog now and go to some nice family site where you can read all about Jim and Sally's trip to Grandma's House.

A workout regimen for me is really not a regimen at all.  It is more like the sex life of a frat boy.  Sporadic, indulgent and over before it really even started. Unlike the boys though, I usually attempt it sober. I will go for months counting things like vacuuming and laundry as exercise, then suddenly, without warning, I get an unnatural urge and I am now inspired to get fit!  I like to compare this feeling with what happens to the black dog when she unexpectedly hunches her back, tucks her tail and runs at full speed around the yard.  This is commonly referred to as "the rips" in my circle of friends.  Her "ripping" usually lasts for under two minutes.  ...and this, my friends, is what we call foreshadowing.

A picture of me demonstrating "the rips"while visiting friends in San Fransisco.  I would love to show you a picture of the black dog doing it because she is much cuter, but she fears cameras and would never be so carefree as to get the rips in the presence of one.

August 2009

So there I was, 6:52 am on a Friday, the red dog dragging me, the black dog lagging behind so much that I was dragging her, jogging.  We looked like a ragtag group of preschoolers on a field trip, holding our knot in the rope, running to catch the bus. There was a herd of mosquitoes hovering over my head like the paparazzi around Brangelina.  When the f*ck did Colorado acquire 95% humidity??? My face was so hot that it felt like I was bending over an open oven pulling out a batch of fresh cookies.  I know this feeling because I baked a batch of Oatmeal Crispies last night. Cookies....yum.  And why did I decide to run? Some mumbo jumbo about inspiration.  Gag.  Come to think of it, I don't even like inspired people, they make me feel inadequate and shallow. 

So I finish my two mile Olympic dog dragging event and walk into the house at 7:27 AM!  Yes people, a time when I should have been SLEEPING, or at the very least, reading about more celebrity breakups while drinking a hot cup of Joe.  But noooo, now I am drenched in so much sweat that any mosquito that had the bad judgement to attempt to feed on me is now plastered to my body like groupies to Justin Timberlake.  I took one of those horrible cold showers that is unsatisfying on almost every level and wound up eating four of my freshly baked cookies.   When I weighed myself at the end of the day to see the benefit of my hard work, I discovered that I now topped the scales at more than I have weighed in a year and a half.  Victory.

I have attached some pictures of the black dog for your viewing pleasure.

Can you see the fear in her eyes? I pointed the camera at her and her teeth actually started chattering.

 I hid behind her like a National Geographic photographer and caught this rare shot of what she looks like right before she chases a car.
And here she is impersonating a seal. See?  Cute.
Oh, and after writing this I thought about cookies and made some.  Here is one of my favorite cookie recipes...  I use butter.

Oatmeal Crispies
1 cup shortening (or butter)
1 cup sugar
1 cup brown sugar
1 t vanilla
2 eggs
1 1/2 cup all-purpose flour (add a 1/4 cup if you are at high altitude)
3 cups Quick Oats
1 t salt
1 tsp soda
1/2 c chopped walnuts (optional)
11 ounces of Butterscotch chips (I prefer this instead of the walnuts)

Cream shortening and sugars, add eggs and vanilla and beat well. Sift together dry ingredients and add to creamed mixture. Add Oats and nuts/butterscotch and mix well. Shape into rolls and wrap in foil or waxed paper. Chill 2 hours to overnight. Slice and bake at 350 for 10 minutes.  Let cool on pan for 2 minutes before transferring them to the cooling racks. Eat them quickly before your husband gets home and requires you to share. 

This is what the Oatmeal Crispies should look like.  If you make them and yours don't look like this, then you probably should just buy some Oreos and forget baking all together. 

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