Monday, November 29, 2010

A "Cerebral" List to Make You a Better Addition to Society.

Have I ever mentioned how cold, windy winter days make me feel as wonderful as curdled milk that has just started to sprout fuzzy mold?  Well, that is yet another charming quality that makes me remarkably charismatic and the center of joy for so many.  In light of the fact that it is cold, grey and windy out, I think I will present you with something that I was working on a while back.  I saved it to make it better, but now I just don't care. 

This is all I am capable of doing today. Good thing the arrow is there or I might not find my way to the laundry closet.
On the day I wrote my list, this was my MSN horoscope....
February 19 - March 20
This is a good time to put things in writing, Pisces. Your gift with words is apt to shine today as you write a proposal, e-mail, or love poem. You're able to communicate very well when you put your sensitive emotions aside and concentrate on what you think instead of what you feel. Expand your influence by focusing on those things that require a more cerebral approach.

What could be more cerebral than a list of Really Bad Ideas?  I can't think of anything!  So strap on your learnin' caps and read on. *These are things that may or may not have happened to me directly or in my presence.

A Cerebral List of Really Bad Ideas

1.  Mom Jeans.
2.  Eating cabbage before yoga class.
3.  Vomiting on your acquaintance's new and highly coveted chair.
4.  Making fun of someone when their mother is in earshot, or what I like to call "My high school years".
5.  Running to catch an elevator when you have the muscle control of a Jellyfish. 
6.  Believing that you have parenting down to an art.
7.  Venturing into public when you have severe PMS or are decaffeinated, or even worse: both.
8.  Thinking you are still "Cool".
9.  Using old underwear or unshaven legs before a date with a hot man as willpower.
10. Dating a man that won't let you touch his hair?  I know.
11. Making those horrible fish lips for the camera.  Please. Stop.
12. Using the MacGyver approach (duct tape and a wire hanger) to home repair.
13. Thinking you can keep up with people half your age. This fails every time.
14. Saying "But I was GOING to buy you a ring!" after she dumps you.
15. Drinking tequila in front of your mother.
16. Telling a pregnant woman that she looks like Santa Claus in her new red sweater.
17. Talking about how tired you are after your wife just gave birth. 
18. Explaining to your college professor exactly what you think of them before they hand out your grade.
19. The mullet.
20. The mullet combined with a mustache, or a MooStache, as I like to call it.
21. Starting a bar fight with someone twice your weight.
22. Drinking enough whiskey to start said bar fight.
23. Going to DSW without money.  This is a recipe for depression.
24. Giving a grown woman a Teddy bear.  Seriously guys, don't do it.
25. Pretending that Karma doesn't exist.
26. Paul Walker's "acting" career.  Really, just close your mouth and let us look at you.
27. Making brownies for "sharing".
28. Thinking you can spend less than $200 at Sam's Club.
29. Trying to exit the vehicle while still wearing the seat belt. You know who you are.
30. Line dancing.
and finally....
31. Following a vertically challenged redheaded man around and demanding "Give me that pot of gold, you stingy little bastard!".


Go forth with this new found knowledge and be that bright light that you were born to be...... Shine On!

1 comment:

  1. #17. Welcome to my life. WHY do I keep getting knocked up?!?!?! Ah yes.....I love the little buggers :)