Thursday, November 4, 2010

10 Things People Fail to Mention Regarding Pregnancy.

*Disclaimer: This post is not for the newly pregnant (stop reading now and go on with your glowing), the unstable, or the humorless. May inspire abstinence.

Me in the last few days of my pregnancy with Thing 2.

Before you go and get yourself knocked up, you may want to know the whole truth about pregnancy.  We all hear cute little stories about cravings for pickles and ice cream . We hear about how you will get your feet rubbed while you kick back and watch a marathon of America's Next Top Model.  Sounds charming, doesn't it?  You are growing a little life in your womb!  What a Miracle!  While these things might be true, there is a conspiracy to cover up the truth, just like the X-Files.  Well, I am here to be your investigative journalist.  You can call me Mulder, or Scully, or Johi. Whichever pleases you.

1)  While it is common knowledge that your waistline must expand to accommodate that little growing fetus, it is not widely known that your ass believes it is a competition to see who can get the biggest. 
In my case, my ass won.  I just hope that you are as fortunate as I to have people like my sister around you. People who find this phenomenon titillating and are thrilled to hear the details of what a whale you are becoming.  My sister, whose figure says "KaPow! I am HOT!  Check out these curves, boys." likes to watch her little sister, whose figure says suggestively "Hey!  Do you like fruit?  How about pears???  Check this stuff out- my body has multiple personalities!  I am a twelve year old boy up top and a German bread maker named Gertrude on the bottom!" balloon up like a puffer fish.  Don't let her sell you any lies about this fact.  She was stoked.

2) Your chin takes on many, many, many friends
If you can avoid laughing or looking down during your pregnancy, do it at all cost. Good Lord, don't do both at the same time. Do not let people photograph you unless you want evidence of this fact. Take a lesson from Oprah and thrust your chin out while straining your neck cords if any camera is present. 

Attractive?  No.
 I would now love to post a picture of Oprah but it seems like a lot of work.  Besides, I am fairly certain that you all know what Oprah looks like.

3)Your body becomes a phlegm factory.
Seriously people, major secretions from many, if not all, orifices.  It is just wrong.

4) You snore.
There is nothing cute or sexy about sawing logs.  The only bonus of this is the retaliation you will finally get on your snoring husband.  He can't say a bleeping thing.  Oh yeah, and you can forget about good sleep.  Your body will now prepare you for the arrival of your infant by plaguing you with incurable insomnia.  You will be thankful later, when the baby is cluster feeding every hour and a half in the night, that you already had your mental meltdown 3:16 am during the pregnancy . You will now be a stalwart woman. You will have achieved an Eleanor Roosevelt presence. You are a finely conditioned athlete.   A momma machine.  It is your husband that will be feeling the effects of no sleep once the baby comes.  It is your manly man that will be crying like a toddler who lost the ice cream off their cone.

5) Your hair WILL, at some point during or after the pregnancy, start falling out at an alarming rate.
Go ahead a cry about this, because it is some freaky stuff.  As you are holding a ginormous handful of your once glorious mane, you start imagining what you will look like bald, or maybe with a few tufts randomly jutting from your skull.  Just when you are going to give it up and go all Sinead O'Connor, you discover a crop of new growth.  It won't be pretty, but know with a lightened heart that your locks will return to somewhat normal in about 3 years.  When you are a mom with an infant, things like showering and styling your hair are rare luxuries anyhow.  Just get used to fact that most days you will look and feel like you fell out of the garbage truck as it was speeding by your house.  You're welcome.

See?  Greasy and a noticeably receding hairline, but it IS growing back.  We aren't talking about the forehead lines today.  Another posting when the wound isn't so raw perhaps?
6) DO NOT, under any circumstances, wear a red sweater with your cute black buckle boots.
About 3 days before I gave birth to our second child, my husband took me out to dinner.  I don't often get to eat meals that someone other than me prepared, so dinner out is always a big deal to me.  I took care to try to dress myself as cute as someone the size of a barge could.  I was a bit unsure of my selection of my red maternity sweater, the only pair of jeans that I could squeeze my giant ass into and my tall black boots with the "edgy" buckles. So I asked my husband if I looked okay.  His reply was "You look great."  After two hours of parading around in public, he chuckles and says "You know who you look like?  ......No, I can't say."  Of course I instructed him to tell me and his reply was "Santa Claus". 
Yes, we are still married, but only so I can use the rest of our time on earth as a married couple to plot my very sweet revenge.  I was taught to never quit until the job is finished, and although I almost never listen to others, I did retain that little nugget.  The rage has diminished enough that he could possibly make it up to me. I am totally interested in material things and could potentially except them as payment for this flub.  However, it is going to take A LOT of "atta boys" to make up for that one "oh shit."

7) You will receive judgement and invasion of your personal space from the other humanoids.
It is fascinating to me how much people love to share their vast amounts of "knowledge" with pregnant women.  It doesn't even matter if they know you.  If you order a coffee at Starbucks, please prepare yourself for the clerk to ask you "Decaf, RIGHT?".  If you go to a wine bar, let's say, for your birthday, prepare yourself for the suggestion of Diet Coke before you order anything.  (Personally, I would rather give my baby a tiny bit of wine than chemicals in diet sodas, but I like to pretend that I am European.)  If you like fast food, someone WILL give you the hairy eyeball as you are snarfing your all beef patty and salting your extra large carton of fries.   I suggest that you arm yourself with retaliatory remarks before you even leave the house.  My freaking funny friend helped me come up with a few....
  • To the person condemning your coffee habit, "The coffee helps me cut back on my Crack intake."
  • To the person asking if you are on Prenatals,  with shock, "WHAT?  They make Prenatal vitamins????"
  • To the person judging your extreme weight gain, "Duh. I am TRYING to gain weight.  My dream is to wrestle in the Heavyweight category."
  • To the person eyeballing your Wendy's bag; look them in the eye and make the gravelly noises of sucking every ounce of Coke out of your supersized cup, then shove a fistful of fries in your face.  Make sure to chew with your mouth open and let some fries fall on your belly.  DO NOT BREAK YOUR GAZE.
  • To the random supermarket shopper who wants to touch your belly; growl like a rabid dog and snap your teeth in their direction.  Or just walk around looking pissed off all the time.  That is what I did and NO ONE tried to touch me. Ever. 
Oh, and once the baby comes, forget about your personal space.  Apparently it doesn't exist anymore.  More often than not I find myself nursing Thing 2, with Thing 1 leaning over me to hold Thing 2's hand while a dog is lying on either side of my chair.  The red one is making monkey noises while the black one passes gas, naturally.  Bliss.
One more thing, tell those women who have a gleam in their eye and a horror story or five about bad things that happen to babies to GO TO HELL.  Do it.

8) Your husband will think that they deserve attention too.
This is rubbish of course, but throw him a bone every once in awhile.  Maybe he'll even get a sitter and take you out to dinner.  Just don't wear the red sweater.

9) You will never love or worry about anything as much as your new baby.
It doesn't matter if you give birth to the ugliest baby on the planet.  As soon as you see that tiny treasure you fall so hopelessly in love that you are changed for life.  Be prepared to spend hours worrying about whether you deserve such perfection.  You spend the time that you should be sleeping hovering over them like a lunatic, making sure they are breathing.  You will physically feel every bump and scrape they acquire.  It is a wonderful, crazy ride and you worked HARD for it~ So enjoy it.  xxooXoXo

Mommy and Thing 2
 10) Your body will NEVER ever look the same again.
Some of the changes are positive!  No, I am lying.  Pregnancy kind of wrecks you, BUT it is truly worth it.  Only a mother knows this.  For instance, the fact that I now resemble some sort of a sad deflated balloon left behind from a party 4 days earlier makes me work harder on my personality.  Well, I haven't actually started working on in YET, but I think about it often.

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