TMI Fridays: You're My Favorite Today

Today I am interviewing Michelle Newman from You're my favorite today.. She tells me that it is "A Blog About Nothing", which clearly means she is secretly Seinfeld. Michelle wrote one of my favorite essays in I Just Want To Pee Alone called "Don't Stop Believin'". It's a clever and hilarious look into the sex life of parents. Seriously, her essay alone is worth the price of the book.

After chitty-chatting about Appletinis, life aspirations, scary talk show hosts, fancy tailed rodents and Jazz apples, I discovered that Michelle and I have a lot in common:

• We refer to our offspring as Thing 1 and Thing 2. 
• We have experienced bipolar spring weather this year in our respective states (Minnesota and Colorado). 
• We randomly know some of the same people. 
• We shop at Target.
• Neither of us can tell time while inside of the Target.
• We loathe the squirrels in our yards.
• We wrote stories for the fabulous and funny book I Just Want to Pee Alone.

Michelle and I had an appointment to chat for this interview. We both missed our scheduled talk time because we had simultaneously been sucked into the glorious, tantalizing abyss that is Super Target. It happens all the time people.

Important things happen every day at Target; particularly with the hats and sunglasses.

This is Michelle at Target. Michelle is awesomesauce.

This is my Thing 1 at Target.

This is my Thing 2 at Target.

Fun fact, Michelle lives near the mecca that is the Target mothership. I live in a low-key city that is home to two Target stores. We decided that practically every women in each of our respective cities is wearing some season of Target at all times. Michelle is so Target-centric that she has a burning desire to conduct an experiment to buy ONLY from Target for one year. If someone completes the task, they would win FREE POPCORN! FOREVER!

TARGET TARGET TARGET. Target should be paying both of us for this post. There. I'm done. PENIS.

When we put our groceries away and finally caught up, I learned that Michelle is bubbly, chatty and charming. She was really nervous to have me drill her with my hard hitting questions, so I took it easy on her with low key promptings like "Tell me how you really feel about your Mother in Law." and "What is your favorite sexual position?", because my mom told me that I should always make everyone around me feel at ease.

Johi: What was your start as a writer?

Michelle: As a kid I always wrote. It was the part of school in which I did well. Although I haven't taught in 17 years, I was an elementary school teacher and taught 4th and 5th grade.  I loved teaching writing and always wanted to write children's stories.

A little over a year ago, I was sick of the voices in my head. I had total Mom-Brain. I would have dreams about writing. I needed to release my inner dialog, so last March I started a blog. By fall I had found my nitch. Blogs are so great for instant gratification. People immediately read what you write and you get feedback. Plus it has given me something to do other than go to Target and make grilled cheese sandwiches. Writing has given me back a part of me that I didn't even realize was missing. I now have more of a purpose.

Johi: Wow. Exactly. That was poetic. How many Appletinis did you suck down before this interview?

Michelle: Zero!

Johi: How do you feel about squirrels?

Michelle: Squirrels make me crazy. They ate all of my pumpkins and all of my sunflowers. They pee all over everything on my deck. I have had to sit on my deck wearing a bicycle helmet because of all the acorns falling. It's dangerous!

Johi: I'm going to use that acorn line the next time I am wearing my helmet around town. My husband has been particularly irritating lately. What is the most annoying thing that your husband does?

Michelle: Oh. My. Gawd. SNORES. Every single night! It started about a year and a half ago. It sounds like he is strangling a cat. Of course he falls asleep instantly and it takes me so long to turn off my brain at night.

Johi: I feel your pain and raise you a chainsaw. Who frightens you more: Martha Stewart, Dr. Phil or Tyra Banks?

Michelle: Martha Stewart. No one has their shit together that much. Perfect people scare me.

Johi: Plus, she's been to prison so she probably knows how to shank someone. Who's your celeb free pass?

Michelle: I have a lot! I love the 80's guys like Jason Bateman and Rob Lowe. George Clooney, obviously. He is so devilishly handsome, plus he is older than me to it makes it better than my inappropriate illegal crush on Zac Effron, or "Zeffron".

So once I got a poster of George Clooney in People magazine, like the ones you would get in Tiger Beat. I posted it on the wall on my side of the bed and left the room. When I came back in, my husband had moved it over the headboard to the center of the bed. So obviously, he's more than okay with my crush.

Johi: He should have put it on the ceiling for maximum effect. OKAY! It's GAME TIME! Today we are playing Marry, Fuck or Kill. Here are your choices: Rush Limbaugh, Howard Stern and Ceelo Green. GO!

Michelle: Dang it! Okay. 

Marry- Howard Stern because he is hilarious, he has awesome stories and a ton of money.

Kill- Rush Limbaugh, because someone needs to.

Fuck- Ceelo. Even though he has tiny T-Rex arms and dresses like an Oompa Loompa and ONLY if I were heavily intoxicated.

Johi: I think his cat is heavily intoxicated. If my first choice falls through, will you room with me at BlogHer?

Michelle: That's so nice of you. Thank you. Lovely to be a second-choice.

Johi: No problem. I don't snore unless I'm pregnant. Tell me how you REALLY feel about your Mother-In-Law.

Michelle: She passed away years ago. She was lovely.

Johi: God, I'm an asshole. Hey! Let's do the Favorites Game! 

What's your favorite Ice Cream flavor?

Michelle: Coffee Chocolate Chip.

Johi: What is your favorite personal possession?

Michelle: My engagement ring, which I don't wear anymore because I traded up for a nicer one! But it is still my favorite!

Johi: What is your favorite junk food?

Michelle: Lay's Sharp Cheddar Kettle Chips. 

Johi: What is your favorite place on Earth?

Michelle: Our cabin a couple of hours away that sits on a little lake. It's the place where I'm most relaxed and happy. 

Johi: What is your favorite song?

Michelle: "100 Years" by Five for Fighting. It makes me cry. And "Good Riddance" by Green Day. Ditto for the crying. 

Johi: What's your favorite sexual position?

Michelle:  Since both of my kids might read this.... obviously, I've only had sex twice.

Johi: Who's your favorite today?

Michelle: Oh, Johi, you lovely lady you, that's a silly question! Who do you think? Obviously it was the barrista at the Target Starbucks who gave me extra whip on my Frappuccino. 

Johi: What is your favorite essay in I Just Want to Pee Alone and why?

Michelle: MINE! Ha! No, I kid. I loved so many of them, but Toulouse and Tonic's "A Stranger in the Land of Twigs and Berries" was so funny. I grew up with a sister and only have daughters so that was so hilariously foreign to me. I loved Meredith Spidel's "Love, Tears and a Few Scattered Ashes" too. 

Johi: Like I always sometimes never say, the difference between tragedy and comedy is time.

Check out more of Michelle on her blog! She was also recently In The Powder Room talking about her lady garden, and she hangs out on way too much on facebook. Pick up your copy of I Just Want To Pee Alone to read her musical themed sexessay. It's truly fantastic.

Socks and Sangrias (Alternately titled: Another Evening with Brock and Johi)

I sighed and plopped down on the couch. "Thank you Lord, for summertime and sangria."

The kids were in bed. It was the first moment all day that no one was talking at me- demanding things from me- trashing my home/yard/patio as I turned my back to load the dishwasher. I closed my eyes, breathed deep into my belly for the first time in four months and took a sip of burgundy chilled deliciousness. After another twelve hour shift with two kids and no naps, I was cooked. And the week had just begun...

I opened my eyes.

There they were, in my direct line of vision; Brock's socks... on floor. The balled up, greasy, stinky, dirty work socks sat on the carpet I had just vacuumed. At the end of a long day, during my one hour of relaxation before I closed my eyes and started all over again the following day, I was left to stare at my hard-working husband's used up man stockings. Seriously, man? Seriously???

Not even three sangrias can erase the irritation of skanky ass work socks with some dog hair encrusted tape stuck on the bottom. I couldn't stop staring at those nasty used socks. Then the unthinkable happened. The socks were ruining my happy sangria buzz. 

Finally (after approximately 42 seconds), I turned to Brock and firmly said, "We have a problem. Your socks are on the rug. Again. Can you please pick up your socks?" I added, as a warning of sorts, "They are pissing me off."

I looked at his gnarly feet and vowed to teach my sons about pedicures.

Brock picked up the discarded socks, wadded them into a tighter ball and shoved them under his thigh, which rested on the couch one foot away from me.

He looked me dead in the eye and said, "No, YOU have a problem."

I sat in stunned silence. My eyebrow raised so high it was as if The Good Lord himself was pulling it to the heavens with fishing line and a barbed hook. Then my face recoiled. I think my neck ate my chin. My right eye finally started to twitch. Stabbity stab stab...

Then Brock said, "It's my socks. They're on the floor. Again. That's your problem."

..... for a moment, I thought I heard the voices of angels singing.

Then I laughed, "You're right. That IS my problem."

Then he gallantly said " AND I WILL PUT THESE SOCKS IN THE LAUNDRY!"

I asked, in all seriousness, "Do you know where that is?"

He got up off the couch and headed to our bedroom, in the proper direction of the dirty clothes hamper and I felt... was it hope? Hope of a brighter future? Yes. I heard him say, "Right here!"

Then he questioned himself and muttered, "Is this the dirty laundry basket?"

I said, "Yeeeeeessssss."

Then he threw them on the floor next to the laundry basket.

I'm going to need more sangria.



Here's the recipe!

Johi's Sangria
Get a fancy schmancy pitcher. Mine is from Wal-Mart. Pour in:

• a shit ton of inexpensive red wine from the box siting on your countertop
• a lemon, not moldy, sliced and de-seeded
• a lime, not brown, sliced and de-seeded
• a tiny orange, it was sketchy, I will not lie, sliced (a large fresh orange would have been lovely)
• the rest of the almost furry strawberries that had been sitting in the fridge for who-knows-how-long, topped and sliced
• a splash of orange juice
• a splash of pink lemonade (because it looked pretty and I love lemonade)
• a generous dose of apricot brandy

Mix together into a glass container and pretend like you are going to put it into the fridge to "cure" overnight. Fuck that noise, I immediately poured mine into a glass of ice and topped with lemon-lime soda.

Drink liberally until husband transforms into that charming man that you once married.

Peace, Love and Laundry Baskets That Even a Man Can Locate,
Johi

Still Crazy After All These Years

There's something I haven't told you.

I'm a married woman,

this you know.

But I love someone else.

He's tall, muscular and athletic.

I can't help myself.

Yes, my husband knows.

Yet our love is undeniable, so Brock simply accepts it.

There's nothing he can do.

It's love.

Plus, my love and I have been together for a long time.

Eleven years.

Two years longer than "Brock-N-Johi".

He doesn't live with me anymore 

(my love, not Brock. His dirty socks are on my living room rug right now),

but I will get him back soon.

Very soon.

And together, we will live happily ever after...

or until one of us gets old and croaks.

That seems to be how true love works.

Do you want to see a picture?

I thought so.

He's so handsome.

Prepare yourself.

This is my Gus. I love him.

The best view. Evah. He almost always listens to me and he doesn't talk back.

Meant to be... he's not as bored as he looks. I promise.
He's just holding a little grudge. He'll get over it as soon as he comes home.
To me.

No, I'm not medicated. Why do you ask?

I love lists. Sometimes, when my life feels out of control, I simply make a little list for a bit o' organization. Also, I bake. Then I eat everything that I just baked. Here is a list of things that make me suspicious, for no other reason than the fact that I refrained from stabbing anyone this week and dammit, I deserve a list! The banana bread was delicious; particularly with Nutella.
I'll call this list....

THINGS THAT MAKE ME SUSPICIOUS

• Any meat that does not require refrigeration, including but not limited to meat that comes in a can.
• "Processed Cheese Food"
• People that respond in angry fashions on the Internet. Particularly the ones who cannot spell. If u cant spel, no1 cairs whut u R saeyin.
• Men walking alone in street clothes on running paths.
• Happy clappy churchy people.
• People who claim that farting is offensive.
• Full moons.
• The people that animals don't like.
• Meat that is on sale.
• Cargo vans.
• Clowns.
• Martha Stewart (this is a teaser for this week's TMI Fridays interview).
• Mouth breathers (I wrote this because my husband is doing it RIGHT NOW and I want to stab stabbity stabby stab. But I won't, because I'm a fucking lover, not a hater. *cough*)
• People who claim to be grammar Nazis. I don't want them to read what I write or listen to me speak, unless they are going to edit this shiz for free.
• Spell Check and AutoCorrect.
• Hammer pants. The M.C. kind.
• The weird brown mole on my toe.
• Cheap shoes and cheaper bras.
• Boy bands.

Or any combination of the above.

Here is a picture of my husband. I added the caption. I'm sure that you would have never guessed that.

I'm not wearing pants.

For balance, I will make another list of things that make me comfortable. I'll get all creative and call it...

THINGS THAT MAKE ME COMFORTABLE

• Smiles and humor.
• Vodka, wine and beer.
• A footrest and a blanket.
• The noise from an oscillating fan.
• My mouth breathing husband.
• Kisses and hugs from my kids.
• Cowboy boots.
• Green grass, tall trees and gardens.
• Horses.
• Books.
• Pickup trucks.
• Long, hot showers.
• Drinks on the patio.
• A night out with the girls.
• Shoe shopping.
• Money.
• Rain showers.
• Photography.
• My boyfriend pillow.
• Food that I don't have to cook.
• Food that I make from scratch.
• Laughter.
• The quiet, simple country life; complete with sushi that delivers to my door.
• Long walks with Red Dog.
• Remembering to BREATHE.
• A little dose of tough love.

Or any combination of the above.

Happy Hump Day.

What would you add to these lists?

Peace, Love and Unicorns,

Johi